Lost

I wanna give everything to the Lord. But than again I don't. Pride holds me back from admitting my fault. I know repenting even after knowingly sinning isn't quite enough for God's standard of Holy. Kinda makes me not want to be Holy.

I hate Christians some times, and I believe its perfectly normal for people to act this way (normal, not good, but normal). People hate God left and right, all day. The thought behind this is that God challenges us to live up to a higher level. This concept is still a new lesson for me to learn, and I will challenge it till the sun goes down. 

Is it not enough for us to just love God, but not obey him completely? Why does God require us to be so selfless? Is it because he knows more joy will come of it for both him and ourselves, or is it because it displays purity in heart and spirit?

I'm still asking myself, is selfishness evil? And if it is than whats appealing for me not to be evil? Is nothing but joy and peace that you are doing the right thing, pleasing the Lord and pleasing others enough appeal for some body to want to be good and not care about themselves? I think I understand why we shouldn't want to be evil, but a drop of evil and selfishness could produce an interesting balance. I'm trying to challenge and question this truth that's instilled in me, searching for answers and a solution to my dilemma. 

Don't you get so tired of being good all the time that you wanna be a little bad. If that's a demonic spirit, than that's a great excuse for Christians to hide behind. I'm more prone to think humans by design are selfish, and maybe the devil does pry at that selfishness.

 All in all, if I was Adam I wouldn't be pleased to hear God tell me to not eat from the tree of knowledge without giving me an in-depth explanation. Yes, you will surely die is the ultimate explanation, but than why was Eve so easily fooled by the serpent? Couldn't God have given more thought to his explanation to these foreign visitors of his garden? 

I don't find Adam and Eve to be evil people, or even completely foolish people. I almost admire them for being so curious. I find the untamed and rebellious spirit to produce some of the most beautiful works. Think of a world without questions. How many answers do you think you would come across?